Saturday, July 20, 2013

Do You Ever Feel Like Tyler Durden?

This is like the most thoughtful question I've gotten about insomnia for a long time. In fact, when people belittle insomnia as a real thing, I ask them if they remember how "Fight Club" started. They tell me they have no idea what I'm talking about--twice, strangely--and I walk away because having the credit set to zero would help my life tremendously (those were a few Fight Club references, for the rest of you guys who didn't watch this movie somehow. Maybe you were studying abroad and saw a horrible translation of a movie title, like La Discoteca de Lucha or Hombre Lucharse, and then got sidetracked by some pretty incredible historical sights. Rilli tho, Spain is a pretty cool place to go that also has terrible translations of movie titles.)

Tyler Durden is a great example of what can happen when you don't sleep. You can create a cult, kill people by accident, and develop dissociative identity disorder (I'm late on getting my DSM V--this is still in there, right?) all over the course of a few months. As I'm writing this, I'm sublingually administering half an Ambien. If you've ever done this, you know that my bad-assery is definitely on par with Tyler Durden and you also probably never did it again. Putting Ambien (zolpidem tartrate) under your tongue and letting the solid pill dissolve, as the vagrant, now slightly viscous powder-saliva aims for your inconveniently placed bitter-receptor taste buds, is no easy feat. It's like putting a cube of pool-cue chalk in your mouth and waiting for it to sting...yes, it stings (why?). I could easily go on another tangent on pica and how I think anyone with pica is a freak (not at furry status, tho), but I've done that too many times.

Why sublingual administration? Because snorting is not an option, needles are horrifying (as much as sometimes mainlining Ambien seems like a good idea--at least to my Ambien self, who is coming out to play as we speak), and also...go hard or go home. Basically it works faster (they do this with some seizure meds too, except those are more like Communion wafers. OMG I love Communion wafers. They're THE BEST. You only get them at white-people churches tho bc honestly you know that's the cheap shit. Yet ANOTHER reason Latino churches are superior is that they give you straight up BREAD. Like you are AWARE you are eating the Body of Christ with the practical loaf they give you. All white churches care about is how short the homily is gonna be so that they can get the stale donuts downstairs [which the Church didn't even buy]. But their homilies suck anyway. Latino homilies are like [in Spanish] "Yo, it's early, but all the more reason to review some of the most fucked-up lives and situations we have in the Bible. Let's review this and look at our own lives and shut the fuck up and follow the Golden Rule.").

Now that I for no reason have given you this lesson in pills, back to Tyler Durden. Edward Norton was such a bitch in the movie that they didn't even give his character a name--only his alter. That's pretty fucked up, but I guess it's just demonstrative of THE MILLIONS OF NAMELESS INSOMNIACS ALL OVER. Also, just to reiterate, there's no such thing as productive insomnia, so I guess that's why they have to make Edward Norton a bitch.

Now that I'm thinking about it, Tyler Durden got a lot of shit done. He coordinated a worldwide phenomenon and convinced his followers to execute his plan. I now understand this movie in a whole new way--Tyler Durden is Edward Norton's Ambien self. Like why the fuck would you make a soap company unless you thought it was a good idea on Ambien? (No offense to my friend who actually made a soap company; I should probably buy some soap from you soon just for writing that. Unless it was an Ambien idea).

Sorry, everyone, I'm actually so blown away (unlike Edward Norton, somehow, which I never really understood because that was a real gun) by my realization that Tyler Durden is the Ambien self that I'm gonna try to go to sleep. Also because the Ambien dissolved. To answer the question, I guess I only slightly feel like Tyler Durden. Only slightly. Sleep, dear friends, you need it to avoid dissociation!


  1. I'm just going to take this moment to applaud the genius of your completely changing the subject from...whatever it was to your love for communion wafers. sorry. really bad attention span right now.


    1. Thank you, Jewish sister. It was my favorite part of Church.