Thursday, March 22, 2012

What If God Was One of Us?

Thank you, L'izz, for this fantastic question. But I think you mean "What if God WERE one of us?" CONDITIONAL VOICE E-SLAP.

Hm, I'm Irish Catholic, so God kind of is one of us. Except that he's not because He's God. This never made sense to me because it's like politicians who are like "we're the people's politician" but then they eat filet mignon that's suspended in the air using technology that hasn't even come out yet because they're above having waitstaff so they get served from the future. Like you're either relatable or you're not.

Like OK I can relate to Jesus because he wears sandals and gets hungry, too. But then He comes back from the dead and shit and I'm totally lost on that. Like I could throw on some sandals and forget to pack a lunch and that's pretty devastating, but then I can't like unheatstroke myself or Lazarus other people on command. If I die, that's it. I wonder if there's sleep in Heaven? Or do you not need sleep? But man, imagine the kind of quality nap room they'd have in Heaven? And the beds are EASILY Sleep Number beds because I don't think they have budget cuts in Heaven like they do in public schools. Like they don't need to raise the debt ceiling because it's Heaven so they have the highest-quality pillows and sleep is in abundance.

I mean I guess other people probably talk about how good the food must be in Heaven, but they're not taking into account the itis that will immediately follow those meals and how sleep is going to be the most important thing. Or do you think you just float in the air to go to sleep? In my version of Heaven, St. Peter measures your sleep number at the pearly gates. And then you don't have to walk up a stairway because I HIGHLY DOUBT that Heaven's home address is at the top of a walk-up. Like Heaven can obviously afford an apartment with an elevator that wasn't built in like the pre-Jacob Riis tenement era. I bet they have central air, too and don't have to call their super when their hot water is mysteriously turned off in the summer at least three times every year even though I thought only extreme cold would fuck up the boiler. Like is there some form of anti-anti-freeze that you need in the summer months? Like why am I paying rent if I can't get basics?! I mean heaven.

Anyway, the wording of this question is like we're in a gang. What if God were a blood? What if God were a Jet? OMG God would totally be a Shark btw because you know salsa came from God Himself. Jets are cool, but they smoke the most cigarettes and I don't think God would be down with that. Also the Jets fuck with the cops and I think God is smarter than that because cops don't give a fuck because as much power as God has, cops are somehow untouchable. I bet if the NYPD beat God up, they'd get off free. And there would be a protest maybe and Commissioner Ray Kelly would come out and try to defend the NYPD and at MOST God would end up with a small settlement, but the cops would still have their jobs.

When I was little, I think I always liked Jesus more than God, which didn't make any sense. But God seemed like he could be a negligent father at times, so I was like "I don't know. I need a God where I can count on your weekly child support payments." Like sometimes God is like "You just have to have faith in your father" and then like you can't afford to buy books for school and you have to peer over your friends' shoulders to get the answer to subtraction question 7 in second grade. Faith won't buy my math textbooks is what I'm getting at. But mostly he let people taunt Jesus with vinegar when He was thirsty and asking Pops for help and God was basically like "ask your mother."

RECAP: God can either be one of us or be God, but both is confusing. God would get beat up by the NYPD. God might be an incompetent father. Heaven has Sleep Number beds.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What's In Your Freezer?

Vegetables and Vodka, which will also likely be the title of the memoirs I'll never get around to publishing.

The vodka is on rotation, but I'm pretty much a Green Giant loyalist. Yeah, it's the most expensive one, but I don't go to spas or do expensive girl shit, so this is where I splurge. Also, sometimes, I'll be on my Popeye and (mmmm POPEYES IS ALSO DELICIOUS, SIDE NOTE) eat a box of spinach and try to go to sleep, so that's like a whole meal.

No, my diet makes no sense. But I got free radicals to kill and broccoli has like OD antioxidants. I'm on the OG effective wrinkle prevention. And I don't know chemistry but I do know that people who only eat organic shit or mad expensive produce from Half Foods (read: Whole Foods) are full of shit. Ie, like how do you really know that shit is organic? And also, can you define organic for me? HOW ARE ALL VEGETABLES NOT ORGANIC ALREADY?! Like advertising that vegetables are organic as if it's something special leads me to believe that you have like changed the genetic makeup of said vegetables to create like super mutant vegetables. And like there's a Professor X of vegetables and the whole town marginalizes these mutant vegetables and so then of course there is the dark side of vegetables like a Magneto Cauliflower or something and they try to destroy the original mutant vegetables because they really just hate themselves like internalized speciesism. But for vegetables. I was gonna play around with the idea of autobot vegetables, but maybe that will be for another post.

So back to how I was judging people for eating only "organic." Unless you are picking these veggies yourself, you don't know where they came from. Like stray cats. You don't know where they went or what diseases they picked up along the way. Like they could be in Petco marketed as the "organic" shit of cat breeds but actually be stray cats. Right, so let's assume that these are stray vegetables. Like stray cats, they need to be saved and nurtured also. So why not in my freezer? (Vegetables--not cats. I'm not a sociopath. There are no cats in my freezer. I'm just an insomniac with a string of bad analogies and also string beans.)

I haven't warmed up to Brussels sprouts, but admittedly they've made no effort to look more appetizing to me, so that's on them. They could easily have a safe home in my freezer, but instead they look like the chicken nuggets of vegetables. Like someone took all the gizzards of vegetables past and assembled them into a green sphere of mystery. Also, they taste bad.

Oh, and ice. There is also some ice in my freezer. Ice and chlorofluorocarbons, which are like the free radicals of the ozone layer. Sorry, ozone.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Have You Tried Hot Cocoa? Cocoa has caffeine in it. Also, sugar. Together, synergistic effect of wakefulness. Why do you want me up all night? What have I done to you that we've gone straight from stupid questions to bad ideas?

Tip: It's actually recommended that you not drink caffeine after 12 pm to sleep better. Of course, the paradox is that in being an insomniac, you basically need intravenous caffeine to stay awake throughout a normal day, but this is what "the people" say.

I have a 3 o'clock rule that I know other insomniacs adhere to as well; noon is just asking too much. That's normal-people cutoff.

Also, what is this warm-liquid-as-remedy trend? We've already examined this issue of hot drinks at bedtime.

Honestly, tho, who has hot chocolate before they go to bed?