Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What's In Your Freezer?

Vegetables and Vodka, which will also likely be the title of the memoirs I'll never get around to publishing.

The vodka is on rotation, but I'm pretty much a Green Giant loyalist. Yeah, it's the most expensive one, but I don't go to spas or do expensive girl shit, so this is where I splurge. Also, sometimes, I'll be on my Popeye and (mmmm POPEYES IS ALSO DELICIOUS, SIDE NOTE) eat a box of spinach and try to go to sleep, so that's like a whole meal.

No, my diet makes no sense. But I got free radicals to kill and broccoli has like OD antioxidants. I'm on the OG effective wrinkle prevention. And I don't know chemistry but I do know that people who only eat organic shit or mad expensive produce from Half Foods (read: Whole Foods) are full of shit. Ie, like how do you really know that shit is organic? And also, can you define organic for me? HOW ARE ALL VEGETABLES NOT ORGANIC ALREADY?! Like advertising that vegetables are organic as if it's something special leads me to believe that you have like changed the genetic makeup of said vegetables to create like super mutant vegetables. And like there's a Professor X of vegetables and the whole town marginalizes these mutant vegetables and so then of course there is the dark side of vegetables like a Magneto Cauliflower or something and they try to destroy the original mutant vegetables because they really just hate themselves like internalized speciesism. But for vegetables. I was gonna play around with the idea of autobot vegetables, but maybe that will be for another post.

So back to how I was judging people for eating only "organic." Unless you are picking these veggies yourself, you don't know where they came from. Like stray cats. You don't know where they went or what diseases they picked up along the way. Like they could be in Petco marketed as the "organic" shit of cat breeds but actually be stray cats. Right, so let's assume that these are stray vegetables. Like stray cats, they need to be saved and nurtured also. So why not in my freezer? (Vegetables--not cats. I'm not a sociopath. There are no cats in my freezer. I'm just an insomniac with a string of bad analogies and also string beans.)

I haven't warmed up to Brussels sprouts, but admittedly they've made no effort to look more appetizing to me, so that's on them. They could easily have a safe home in my freezer, but instead they look like the chicken nuggets of vegetables. Like someone took all the gizzards of vegetables past and assembled them into a green sphere of mystery. Also, they taste bad.

Oh, and ice. There is also some ice in my freezer. Ice and chlorofluorocarbons, which are like the free radicals of the ozone layer. Sorry, ozone.


  1. re: brussels sprouts

    I empathize. COMPLETELY. Bitches be trying to have me eat them when they make NO EFFORT. They're like Paris Hilton in her sex video.

    Rilli tho. :)