Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Why Can't You Just Eat a Lot of Turkey to Go to Sleep Tho?

I'm not tryna get some backwards-ass serotonin syndrome off some sleep attempt via turkey. Everyone knows that shit turns to serotonin with the quickness. And serotonin is not as friendly with the body as it would like you to take a benadryl by accident with an SSRI (JUST SAYING, FOLKS, HYPOTHETICALLY) and you might be assed out with the ill serotonin syndrome. One time that shit had serotonin syndrome hit me hardbody...I can't even explain this.

(FYI the active ingredient in this is benadryl aka diphenhydramine.)

Like take hypnagogia, which is literally the midpoint of consciousness and unconsciousness (let's not get into the sub vs unconsciouness debate right now, please) you think you're dreaming...but dreams manifest in physical actions...that one time I took cough syrup when I was on an SSRI--I'm not ready for pharmacy legislation conversation right now, altho I will say a pharmacist did not consult me on that shit. Tell me how I was convinced that I was a fish smoking a cigarette. I woke up like "ssswwooooo," "swooooo," inhaling fake smoke mad loudly on my couch because I was having another crazy hypnagogic hallucination. Like that type of shit is LITERALLY the basis for Fight Club. But you know, no one wants it simplified down to the comborbities of insomnia and SSRI-benadryl interactions (ie, serotonin syndrome). It wouldn't sell.

But yet HEAVEN FORBID I have OD congestion, B, and I would like to so kindly, Sir CVS Man, cop some pseudoephedrine. THEN SHIT GETS REAL OUTTA NOWHERE. "Miss, can I have your ID [where you look like the midpoint between Courtney Love and Charlize Theron in Monster], please? I need to take your information down [so I know you're not building a meth lab in your apt]."

(This is a really accurate picture of what my State ID looks like.)

...In New York City?! With my penthouse-status (read: lie) one-bedroom apt (read: truth tho) I somewhere am housing a meth lab because Congress can't get their shit together and keep adding pork into bills and not into my Cuban sangwiches at 3 am? BULLSHIT. I don't have the time for congestion or for a start-up drug cartel. 

(Please note the most important element of the Cuban sandwich, the pickle.)

Yes, folks, the reason you have to give up your ID to get the good decongestant (not phenylephrine...NOT phenylephrine...that shit is more useless than decaf coffee) is because of the Patriot Act, everyone's favorite bill. They added it so muhfuhs in Utah might could maybe not end up on the season finale of Intervention but the ones with like the sad knockout-type stories at the end... "Clayton Larry went to rehab for 4.3 hours. He relapsed shortly after") Like even if I did, Kickstarter is gonna get shut down with the quickness once the legislative bodies decide to read no cartel for me...which is good, because I'm generally too tired to start one anyway!

But yeah, fall back on Turkey, let's talk about how the tryptophan in Turkey is negligible (yep, totally wrote "negligent" before I edited this...But at the end of the day, is turkey really looking out for you anyway?) compared to other foods.

Eg, via the world's most reliable reference, Wikipedia:
Tryptophan g/100g of Food
egg, white, dried
spirulina, dried
cod, atlantic, dried
soybeans, raw
cheese, Parmesan
sesame seed
cheese, cheddar
sunflower seed
pork, chop

What I'm tryna say is...Turkey ain't shit! Look at that up against the heavy hitters soybeans, parmesan cheese...did you see them in the gymnastics portion of the gymnastics? YOU SURE DID! Did you see how much those tired Russian chicks were falling like flies off the things they were born to do? Two of them didn't even know what a balance beam was...cuz they were fallin asleep after eating some eggs! FOOD CHARTS, FRIENDS....FOOD CHARTS.

Also, a reminder that eating turkey before you sleep will fuck with your neurotransmitters AND make you gain weight. Fuck you and ya whole tryptophan life.