Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Why Can't You Get Your Sh*t Together?

Because I have mental diarrhea. So in the literal context within the figurative question you pose, I can't get my shit together. (I KNOW, SHE'S SO CLEVER!)

I have my shit together...mostly. But I'll tell you who doesn't: the Amish. I try to be a cultural relativist, but the fact that it's 2012 is not relative at all. It's a given. It's 2012. Why don't the Amish know this? I mean the best idea for them really is just to move to Williamsburg, VA, so they can walk around looking colonial and shit and not only NOT get judged, but potentially paid. The Amish need to step their hustle up. They need to make me their financial advisor. People would definitely pay to watch them till shit or whatever--WHICH THEY DO ANYWAY--but they'd get paid.

OMG and people are totally obsessed with their baked goods--which raises the question, How are ovens allowed? But that's neither here nor there because delicious treats supersede moral creeds, unless you're talking about Hummus, which has come to the forefront lately in the context of middle Eastern conflict. People need to fall the fuck back over some chickpeas.

Oh, also, coffee is also not exempt from moral concerns, cuz a lot of shit goes down and it's hard out here for a coffee bean farmer. And like they do not NEARLY get the money they should be getting for their hard work, so like go out and buy free trade coffee and shit. It costs more, but if we don't incentivize (BY THE WAY, Blogger is telling me that's not a word, but I see it in advertising ALL THE TIME.) coffee farmers to produce the coffee, we are gonna be ASSED OUT.

If you think about it, coffee farmers are indirectly responsible for at least 85% of the world's productivity. Am I Right?! Like think about all the people you know who CAN'T DO SHIT until they've had their morning Joe (why do they call it that?! Although I guess it would be pretty sweet to have the same nickname as coffee. Poor Richards out there...). Obviously I am part of that population because if you take the Venn Diagram of insomniacs, coffee drinkers are a natural subset. That is my Venn Diagram reference of the day [look, Venn's ancestors hit me with a percentage every time I publicize their diagrams, so I am obligated to mention them every now and literally, EVERY NOW AND THEN...not only now...or then, for that matter. Don't hate on my obscure side hustle.] Ultimately, the point is that coffee farmers are the quietest healers of the world and no one took a minute to stop and think about that until just now. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE SUPERIOR PERSPECTIVE, btw.

So yeah, the Amish need to get their shit together. Or at least stop abusing their children and then shunning them when they grow up and wanna leave like, "You know what, the gene pool here in my community isn't looking so great and I wish the same recessive gene that causes fucked-up diseases wasn't a marker in 99% of my cousins. Even though my what-year-is-it-exactly clock isn't ticking, my Darwinist clock is totally ticking like a Connecticut deer (OMG GET IT?! TICKING?! It's OK, I had Lyme Disease before, I can make these jokes. Right? Cuz the risk of rheumatoid shit is still there for me as long as I live. Stupid bugs.). I need to get out of here so I can find an ideal mate who won't cause another inevitable Trisomy for my offspring. Also, I need to get in on this Generation Y work ethic that I've been missing out on in this field."

Because then the once-Amish go on Dateline NBC and fuck up shit for the WHOLE COMMUNITY by talking about how they cursed that one time they stubbed their toes on the wheel barrel and then got a needle stuck through their tongues as punishment JUST BECAUSE THEY CURSED. And people who used to be Amish are like the snitches to end all snitches. They don't give a fuck because their family doesn't have TVs so they're gonna bank on their peoples in Lancaster never seeing the shows where they snitch. (Ooh, I hear the Mister Softee truck outside!!!! Yet ANOTHER joy the Amish will never know! :( :( ) But even if someone cheated and did see the show, then THEY'D have to be shunned too. So the Amish are really digging themselves a pretty big hole here. I'm telling you, before Chris Hanson started telling people to sit down, there were the Amish diming their people out and discovering the excitement of AOL Instant Messenger for the first time.

What it all comes down to is that you need to focus more on whole groups of people who need to get their shit together instead of just me. I just need to get my sleep shit together. I'm doing other stuff that's pretty cool or whatever, so I'm good. But I guess also people with Crohn's disease and Celiac disease ask themselves this question every day. SO SAD. Luckily, there's Humira!


  1. Some people need Imodium in their lives. Other people have the opposite problem. They get suck and need a healthy dose of Ex-Lax.

    There's really no point in me saying that, except I wanted to make a profound statement about poop, too.

    By the way, you had Lyme Disease???

  2. ::facepalm::

    suck = stuck.

    Damn typos. Sometimes I stuck at life.

  3. "except I wanted to make a profound statement about poop, too."

    I LOL'D! Yeah, Life Immodium would totally sell. Can't get your shit together? LIFE IMMODIUM.

    Wanna see your life turn to shit? LIFE EX LAX.

    Yeah, I had Lyme Disease when I was 2. But apparently I was so pissed off that a bug bit me that I held on to the memory of the bug with a vengefulness no one has seen in a toddler! So then moms was reading a magazine with a picture of an engorged tick and I was like "THATS THE BUG THAT BIT ME!" and moms was like OH SHIT! and then I had to go to the doctor to get blood tests every week.

    What I'm getting at is that I was Doogie Howser before Doogie was Doogie. SELF-DIAGNOSIS FTW.

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