This is like the most thoughtful question I've gotten about insomnia for a long time. In fact, when people belittle insomnia as a real thing, I ask them if they remember how "Fight Club" started. They tell me they have no idea what I'm talking about--twice, strangely--and I walk away because having the credit set to zero would help my life tremendously (those were a few Fight Club references, for the rest of you guys who didn't watch this movie somehow. Maybe you were studying abroad and saw a horrible translation of a movie title, like La Discoteca de Lucha or Hombre Lucharse, and then got sidetracked by some pretty incredible historical sights. Rilli tho, Spain is a pretty cool place to go that also has terrible translations of movie titles.)
Tyler Durden is a great example of what can happen when you don't sleep. You can create a cult, kill people by accident, and develop dissociative identity disorder (I'm late on getting my DSM V--this is still in there, right?) all over the course of a few months. As I'm writing this, I'm sublingually administering half an Ambien. If you've ever done this, you know that my bad-assery is definitely on par with Tyler Durden and you also probably never did it again. Putting Ambien (zolpidem tartrate) under your tongue and letting the solid pill dissolve, as the vagrant, now slightly viscous powder-saliva aims for your inconveniently placed bitter-receptor taste buds, is no easy feat. It's like putting a cube of pool-cue chalk in your mouth and waiting for it to sting...yes, it stings (why?). I could easily go on another tangent on pica and how I think anyone with pica is a freak (not at furry status, tho), but I've done that too many times.
Why sublingual administration? Because snorting is not an option, needles are horrifying (as much as sometimes mainlining Ambien seems like a good idea--at least to my Ambien self, who is coming out to play as we speak), and also...go hard or go home. Basically it works faster (they do this with some seizure meds too, except those are more like Communion wafers. OMG I love Communion wafers. They're THE BEST. You only get them at white-people churches tho bc honestly you know that's the cheap shit. Yet ANOTHER reason Latino churches are superior is that they give you straight up BREAD. Like you are AWARE you are eating the Body of Christ with the practical loaf they give you. All white churches care about is how short the homily is gonna be so that they can get the stale donuts downstairs [which the Church didn't even buy]. But their homilies suck anyway. Latino homilies are like [in Spanish] "Yo, it's early, but all the more reason to review some of the most fucked-up lives and situations we have in the Bible. Let's review this and look at our own lives and shut the fuck up and follow the Golden Rule.").
Now that I for no reason have given you this lesson in pills, back to Tyler Durden. Edward Norton was such a bitch in the movie that they didn't even give his character a name--only his alter. That's pretty fucked up, but I guess it's just demonstrative of THE MILLIONS OF NAMELESS INSOMNIACS ALL OVER. Also, just to reiterate, there's no such thing as productive insomnia, so I guess that's why they have to make Edward Norton a bitch.
Now that I'm thinking about it, Tyler Durden got a lot of shit done. He coordinated a worldwide phenomenon and convinced his followers to execute his plan. I now understand this movie in a whole new way--Tyler Durden is Edward Norton's Ambien self. Like why the fuck would you make a soap company unless you thought it was a good idea on Ambien? (No offense to my friend who actually made a soap company; I should probably buy some soap from you soon just for writing that. Unless it was an Ambien idea).
Sorry, everyone, I'm actually so blown away (unlike Edward Norton, somehow, which I never really understood because that was a real gun) by my realization that Tyler Durden is the Ambien self that I'm gonna try to go to sleep. Also because the Ambien dissolved. To answer the question, I guess I only slightly feel like Tyler Durden. Only slightly. Sleep, dear friends, you need it to avoid dissociation!
Showing posts with label Ambien. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ambien. Show all posts
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Do You Ask All These Questions Yourself?
OK, full disclosure, it is before 7am and I have been up for hours. I have not had Ambien in a couple days because I've been trying to get my tolerance down, but that also means that Benadryl is basically the only other option left in the cards for me. FYI if I have not already mentioned this, the active ingredient in Benadryl is the same active ingredient in like Unisom and all that other OTC shit they try to tell you will help you sleep. It's called diphenhydramine. I just saved you tens of dollars just now.
Also, why did Blogspot tell me that Benadryl is not a word but that Ambien is? Is it psychic or some shit? Because I was just about to say how Benadryl is not the truth. Like if p>q, then Benadryl is false and we reject the null hypothesis and by transitive property of made-this-whole-tautology-up, Benadryl is nonsignificant and stupid. (Guys, I hope you know I'm being ironic here. I actually is good at math and know both logic and statistics, which I hope was evident by the use of the word "tautology." Like honestly, when's the last time you heard that? I'm gonna try to integrate [oh shit, another math word!] "tautology" in my vocabulary more frequently. Except that I'm rarely logical unless...nope, I'm just rarely logical. Actually, that's all a lie. I USED to be good at math...you know I went to the Stuyvesantz and shit, so I had to know something. And BTW I never cheated there, because I know that's what you're thinking after all these cheating scandals...For the tests I knew I was going to fail, I just walked in with failure on my face and left with failure on my Scantrons. Which is what real students should do (fail? Again, the logic thing is lacking at the moment [read: always].) Anyway, the point is that I peaked at 13 in terms of basically all intelligence and it's been downhill since then. But don't tell my colleagues because people consider me one of the few people who can actually legit read scientific studies and understand confidence intervals and shit like that, so if they saw this, it could hurt my reputation.
OK, I may be lying again, but I think this could also be difference of opinion as follows...So chemistry kind of eluded me because I couldn't really decipher the accents of the teachers who taught it and I wasn't about to go HAM on linguistic nuances and shit because that would be rude, but I literally never understood what my teachers were saying. Anyway, I had this deal with my lab partner where he was the Master of Ceremonies for the Bunsen Burner and I would do the lab reports because I was afraid of fire. I always had this feeling of imminent burn victim in Chem lab. Is that cheating?
I still fear flames not excluding the Waka Flocka sort. People come to my house sometimes and they're like "is pasta burning?" And I have to tell them yes, because I have devised a system of lighting candles that involves me taking a strand of Barilla spaghetti (when I can afford Barilla...otherwise I have to settle for Ronzoni...which is not as good but has a hilarious name to make up for it...oh shit, I'm being culturally insensitive. I'll apologize for that later, but back to fire) and lighting it at the end (I JUST got over my fear of lighters like 4 years ago) so that I can light candles. Recap: sometimes my house smells like burnt pasta because I use long strands of spaghetti with a low risk of burning myself because spaghetti is long so that I can light candles.
Also, fuck a physics. None of that shit made sense ever. I almost didn't get like the special diploma "smart people" are sposed to get from my HS because I failed the Physics Regents by 2 points. TWO POINTS. Who the fuck else would that happen to? But then some physics geniuses were like "this test was flawed" and my diploma was saved. Except for the part where they spelled my name wrong. There were mad Korean kids in my HS so they put "Park" on my diploma and I thought it was so funny that I kept it. The DMV did not agree. Anyway, thank you physics geniuses...even tho we can never be friends, I am grateful for your wisdom of a pseudoscience.
Oh shit, there was a question at the beginning because AAI is "Ask An Insomniac" and that means it is based in questions. But the whole thing about not sleeping is that then I have thoughts that keep running and basically my bad. I'm actually a decent writer, but this blog is like my run-on sentence playground. I had a limited childhood, so please just let me have this. Thanks. So yeah, I do in fact ask a lot of these questions myself. But I also ask a lot of questions. That's why I have Dostoevsky and shit in my bookcase. I'm very proud of my book collection. Which is to say there is no Jane Austen in it.
This post is getting unnecessarily long, so thank you for reading it and obviously enjoying it. xoxo unless you have TB. Sorry, some of that shit is transmitted via spores and I am Irish so based on all history, I am OD susceptible to the consumption (yes, that is what they called it. They call alcoholism "the drink," since you were wondering). And also that shit doesn't go away; it's like pulmonary herpes. And I am lacking in the health insurance dept at the moment so like don't give me the consumption.
Also, why did Blogspot tell me that Benadryl is not a word but that Ambien is? Is it psychic or some shit? Because I was just about to say how Benadryl is not the truth. Like if p>q, then Benadryl is false and we reject the null hypothesis and by transitive property of made-this-whole-tautology-up, Benadryl is nonsignificant and stupid. (Guys, I hope you know I'm being ironic here. I actually is good at math and know both logic and statistics, which I hope was evident by the use of the word "tautology." Like honestly, when's the last time you heard that? I'm gonna try to integrate [oh shit, another math word!] "tautology" in my vocabulary more frequently. Except that I'm rarely logical unless...nope, I'm just rarely logical. Actually, that's all a lie. I USED to be good at math...you know I went to the Stuyvesantz and shit, so I had to know something. And BTW I never cheated there, because I know that's what you're thinking after all these cheating scandals...For the tests I knew I was going to fail, I just walked in with failure on my face and left with failure on my Scantrons. Which is what real students should do (fail? Again, the logic thing is lacking at the moment [read: always].) Anyway, the point is that I peaked at 13 in terms of basically all intelligence and it's been downhill since then. But don't tell my colleagues because people consider me one of the few people who can actually legit read scientific studies and understand confidence intervals and shit like that, so if they saw this, it could hurt my reputation.
OK, I may be lying again, but I think this could also be difference of opinion as follows...So chemistry kind of eluded me because I couldn't really decipher the accents of the teachers who taught it and I wasn't about to go HAM on linguistic nuances and shit because that would be rude, but I literally never understood what my teachers were saying. Anyway, I had this deal with my lab partner where he was the Master of Ceremonies for the Bunsen Burner and I would do the lab reports because I was afraid of fire. I always had this feeling of imminent burn victim in Chem lab. Is that cheating?
I still fear flames not excluding the Waka Flocka sort. People come to my house sometimes and they're like "is pasta burning?" And I have to tell them yes, because I have devised a system of lighting candles that involves me taking a strand of Barilla spaghetti (when I can afford Barilla...otherwise I have to settle for Ronzoni...which is not as good but has a hilarious name to make up for it...oh shit, I'm being culturally insensitive. I'll apologize for that later, but back to fire) and lighting it at the end (I JUST got over my fear of lighters like 4 years ago) so that I can light candles. Recap: sometimes my house smells like burnt pasta because I use long strands of spaghetti with a low risk of burning myself because spaghetti is long so that I can light candles.
Also, fuck a physics. None of that shit made sense ever. I almost didn't get like the special diploma "smart people" are sposed to get from my HS because I failed the Physics Regents by 2 points. TWO POINTS. Who the fuck else would that happen to? But then some physics geniuses were like "this test was flawed" and my diploma was saved. Except for the part where they spelled my name wrong. There were mad Korean kids in my HS so they put "Park" on my diploma and I thought it was so funny that I kept it. The DMV did not agree. Anyway, thank you physics geniuses...even tho we can never be friends, I am grateful for your wisdom of a pseudoscience.
Oh shit, there was a question at the beginning because AAI is "Ask An Insomniac" and that means it is based in questions. But the whole thing about not sleeping is that then I have thoughts that keep running and basically my bad. I'm actually a decent writer, but this blog is like my run-on sentence playground. I had a limited childhood, so please just let me have this. Thanks. So yeah, I do in fact ask a lot of these questions myself. But I also ask a lot of questions. That's why I have Dostoevsky and shit in my bookcase. I'm very proud of my book collection. Which is to say there is no Jane Austen in it.
This post is getting unnecessarily long, so thank you for reading it and obviously enjoying it. xoxo unless you have TB. Sorry, some of that shit is transmitted via spores and I am Irish so based on all history, I am OD susceptible to the consumption (yes, that is what they called it. They call alcoholism "the drink," since you were wondering). And also that shit doesn't go away; it's like pulmonary herpes. And I am lacking in the health insurance dept at the moment so like don't give me the consumption.
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